Thursday, May 22, 2014 – 13:30
@FindTrueN Iqaluit Regional Radio English News*
1st: Discussion over whether Iqaluit’s raging dump fire aka “underground volcano” could replace oil as the main energy source for the territory
2nd: Nunavut Elders call for an “Elder Approved” stamp to be used to distinguish authentic cultural goods/practices
3rd: Missing Gjoa Haven hunter found on vegetarian meditation retreat in Thailand; family outraged
4th: The probability of a merger between Canadian North and First Air Increases as Canadian North adds warmed-double fudge brownie and white-chocolate martini to its daily meal service
1st: Discussion over whether Iqaluit’s raging dump fire aka “underground volcano” could replace oil has the main energy source for the territory
Residents of Iqaluit are concerned about the smoke rising from the city dump, stemming from a fire “that’s been burning for months”, according to Fire Chief. However, as Luc Grandmaison told citycouncil at an emergency meeting yesterday. “The fire that is deep down below the surface and festering like an explosive volcano, might be the answer Nunavut has been waiting for. In countries like Iceland, volcanic energy is already supplying over 90% of the nation’s energy.”
Geoscientists say the extreme power and sustained rate in which the Iqaluit fire is burning is comparable to that of Mt. Vesuvius, several centuries before its destruction of Pompeii. “There is no concern for an eruption,” says Dr. Marcia Hurn-Findlay, “what this means is that Iqaluit has the potential to be the next energy centre of the globe.”
“An unsustainable recycling program and a community that imports and consumes a high number of packaged goods per capita, could finally be working to our advantage,” says Environment Minister Leona Aglukkaq.
Council has decided to feed the fire until more research can be done and energy systems can be put in place. The Oil Industry and the air quality board have yet to comment. Residents should be expected to see intense savings in the future, though the smoke may not be expected to clear anytime soon.
For now, the local Fire Department is on standby with hundreds of imported cases of Evian bottled water, so residents can be assured their water supply will not be affected in the event of a volcanic eruption. “The empty bottles will be saved for use in future fires in order to help provide Nunavut with sustainable energy,” says Fire Chief. “Waste is the future.”
2nd: Nunavut Elders call for an “Elder Approved” stamp to be used to distinguish authentic cultural goods/practices
Nunavut Elders are concerned that with more and more non-Inuit immigrating into to the territory, traditional ways of dress and practices will be lost. Iqaluit Elder Mary Ipitiki proposes a special seal stating “Elder Approved” that would be stamped on goods ranging from parkas to bags of bannock. “This stamp would allow all residents and visitors to Nunavut to know what items are authentic.” Says Mary. “This will allow them to get the most value for their dollar and also raise awareness about what is Inuit and what is simply Southern-fusion”.
To roll out the official “Elder Approved” stamp, Elders invite residents to come down to the Elder Centre with anything they’d like inspected. “It doesn’t have to an item,” Mary adds, “we encourage people to come dance for us, tell stories, or even throat sing.”
Residents who do not get an approved stamp and eye-lift from the Elders, are encouraged to stay indoors and improve their craft and may be required to serve mandatory volunteer hours at the Elder Centre after too many failed attempts at an “Elder Approved” stamp.
3rd: Missing Gjoa Haven hunter found on vegetarian meditation retreat in Thailand; family outraged
It was a frigid January day in 2010 that Jimmy Lapinatiquqataquiit went out on a hunting expedition and never returned. Leaving behind a pregnant wife and seven children, the community has been mourning his loss yet had given up hope for his safe return.
However, Jimmy’s tragic disappearance has an unusual ending. Gjoa Haven teacher, Olivia Forsythe, a practicing Buddhist and hiking enthusiast originally from Vancouver, B.C. claims she spent two months with Jimmy this past summer while on a two-month meditation retreat near Phuket, Thailand. “We cooked tofu and made mango salad together, and he is soon ordaining as a monk,” Olivia remembers. “I knew he was from Nunavut I just didn’t put the two together until I got the teaching position and moved to this community”.
Olivia has been spending many evenings with Jimmy’s wife Martha Lapinatiquqataquiit, helping her with her children. “As much as I want to believe her story, I can’t,” Martha says, shedding tears as she gazes at Olivia’s travel photos. Even Martha can’t deny the uncanny resemblance between the hunter who left those many years ago, and the man pictured now in red robes. “My Jimmy would never eat tofu,”
The Lapinatiquqataquiit family will be traveling to the Sacred Wisdom Temple in Phuket this summer, as part of a reality show sponsored by TLC.
4th: The probability of a merger between Canadian North and First Air Increases as Canadian North adds country food and warmed-double fudge brownie to its onboard meal service
The decision to fly with Canadian North or First Air just got more heated as Canadian North announced that it has made changes to its daily meal service. Starting on Monday, May 26, passengers can expect to dine on caribou stew, freshly-hunted seal meat, warmed-up double-fudge brownie and a white-chocolate martini. A choice of baked or fried bannock as well as unlimited bags of Old Dutch potato chips will be provided for the duration of all flights.
“Our customers are predominantly residents of the North so we want to give them what they want,” says Canadian North CEO. “If we are going to remain competitive, we have to provide our fliers more than just a cookie and some coffee.”
First Air couldn’t comment on if they have any changes to their onboard services coming. However, Canadian North HR Manager, Leslie McPherson, says that 60% of new employee applications have from First Air employees, beginning right after the airline unveiled their new menu.
Talks about a merger between the two northern airlines will resume next week. Until then customers will have to decide whether they want the brownie or if they’ll stick with the same old cookie.
*Please note: This is a parody. Most Nunavut bureaucrats are all too familiar with the multiple news communications emails that fill inboxes daily. If only they were always this entertaining.
Bibi is a faerie, originally from Iceland, who grew up in Toronto. Bibi has danced her way across West Africa and can sing in Scottish Gaelic. Much of her adult life was spent making drinks, both lattes and martinis, and she continues to document her experiences as “Coffee Girl” from her current home in Iqaluit. You can catch Bibi on Twitter or check out her website.
I was trying to have a serious phone conversation with the Federal Pay Centre when that email came in. I could barely breathe, let alone speak. I was on hold when I started to read it and when the person on the other end came back, I think she thought I might have been having a seizure.
Hahahaha Bibi’s wit is a health hazard!
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